“Joseph is gone, will you take Benjamin too? “
My flesh cries, struggling against the boundaries
That you calmly set in place.
“You’ve taken my entertainment
Most of my time
And now you want to take away that which I consider good?! “
You put me in a place I didn’t want to go
In a job I don’t remember wanting
With people I don’t recall loving
In a home where I don’t feel like belonging.
“You drip with greed” I cry out
“Haven’t I given enough?
Why do you want all of it?
Why won’t you be satisfied with all that I’ve given you?
Why aren’t you satisfied with my halfhearted attempts to please you?!”
Even though they’re just in place to make you go away…
You circumvent every single obstacle
That keeps people from
Coming too close, digging too deep.
To be known completely.
Because on the deepest level
I finally see – I love sin. I love myself. I love darkness.
A child of wrath.
Empty but hell bent to forget, Drunk on life’s highs
Straining to maintain a deadening stupor
Where nothing matters anymore.
Like a dragon writhing in ecstasy through its mounds of gold
I luxuriate in the malignancy of sin disguised as petty little vices.
So closely we’re entangled,
That together we morph into one.
And unnoticed, shackles snake around my wrists,around my ankles
And I become a sacrifice on an altar to Satan.
And I become the soldier pounding the nails into your hands, whipping your back, spewing hatred towards you.
Help Lord! Rescue me Abba!
I cry with trembling lips.
Death permeates through my pores for
I’ve been carrying the carcass of my dead man for so long
I don’t know where the new man begins.
I can’t distinguish
Soiled dead maggoty flesh from pulsating soft skin,
As the sin sinks its teeth into me,
Sucking life away like a slimy black leech.
Engorging as it steals my blood, my life.
I moan, twistt and turn,
Shaking my head, fighting lewd thoughts
I’ve no peace. Sleep won’t come.
But I obey.
I surrender again,
Uncurling my fists,
And raising them in surrender.
I plead for you to step in.
I am but dust.
You are fire and lightening,
Strength and wind
Pouring spring rains and fresh green grasses.
Rescue me Abba!
For he seeks to destroy my life
To rip away everything pure and good
Either he will have everything
Or you will.
Please take it Abba,
I’m not to be trusted
With the life you’ve given me
Save me and take it all.
“Declare me innocent from hidden faults
Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins
Let them not have any dominion over me!
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight,
Oh Lord my rock and my redeemer. ”